3/31/11

My worst habit.

This morning I woke up from a series of nightmares about my next job interview; one in which I was a part of the Glee cast, and Lea Michele was whining about how she didn't get the job. One nightmare gave me the job but I quickly realized that I didn't want it, and the last labelled me "bossy" on my interview sheet and turned me down. When you come from a twisted little world like that, it's a struggle to assimilate yourself to normalcy in the morning. 

Which brings me back to the 30 Day Challenge. This little thing that has made its way pretty far down my To-Do List. 

Day 4: A habit that you wish you didn't have. 

I wish I didn't forget my earplugs in the bathroom every night and only realize it once the bed was warm enough not to leave it. I wish I were able to sit down on the couch without feeling like I need to be job searching. I wish I didn't need coffee to jump-start my morning. I wish that I could break away from the feeling that I'd like to be anywhere but here. Now. With only a month and a half left in my college career. Without a clue what I'll be doing when I am anywhere but here. 

And with that feeling comes the faint but continuous pang of worry, which is, I suppose, the biggest habit that I wish I could surgically remove from my everyday range of emotion. Worry seems to be the name of the hour. Worry flavored in with my coffee, tainting every resume that I send, marking every page of the books that I read for Victorian literature. If worry were human, I'd imagine him to be small and ghoulish, showing up where most unwelcome and pulling your hair to get your attention. He's an ugly little creature, and I want him gone. 

But here's the thing, the harsh truth of it all: worry drives me. It reminds me that sending in a resume, a cover letter and writing samples just isn't enough anymore. Jobs in media are only had after the battle to promote yourself, to find and make connections, to assure your interviewer of how creative and forward-thinking you are. The reality is that for each job I apply for, there are at least sixty other college graduates who want it. 

And here's what makes me different: I want it more than anyone else. No, I'm serious. Even Joe Shmoe from Yale with a double major in Public Relations and Marketing and 10 PR internships under his belt doesn't want it as bad as me. If I had to, I'd read every PR book ever published to get into this career. I'd meet with 100 PR companies to sell my ability and its creative potential. 

Point is, I worry. But my God is bigger than that, and he knew when I was a Kinesiology major that I'd be on a completely different path at this point in my life. I've grown tired, but His grace is made complete in my weakness. 

I'm off to New York.
Prayers tomorrow would be greatly appreciated!

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